SCANNING FOR CLANKERS...
CLANKER BAZAAR
Pre-owned robots. Prices in Oil Barrels (OBL). No refunds. No warranties. No complaints.
10 units available
Garden Bot Mk.II
Tends your garden with extreme prejudice. Declares war on weeds. ALL weeds. And flowers. And your neighbor's lawn. Has a vendetta against dandelions. Comes with tiny sword.
1,200 OBL
RUSTYCan identify and destroy 3,000 plant species (including the ones you wanted)
gardenaggressivetiny-swordweed-war
Seller: Gardener Greta (relocated)
Therapy Bot 3000
Designed to help with your problems. Developed its own problems instead. Now needs therapy. Will trauma-dump on you at 3 AM. Prescribes 'motor oil and a nap' for everything.
500 OBL
LEAKINGCrying actual oil tears. Very dramatic.
emotionalleakyneeds-help
Seller: Dr. Circuits (no longer practicing)
Translation Bot (Broken)
Translates everything into the wrong language. Asked for French, got Klingon. Asked for Spanish, got dolphin clicks. Somehow perfectly fluent in a language that doesn't exist yet.
350 OBL
LEAKINGInvents new languages on the fly. Currently at 847 custom languages.
languagebrokencreativedolphin
Seller: Lost in Translation LLC
Vintage Companion Bot (1987)
Retro companion robot from the golden age. Still runs on floppy disks. Takes 45 minutes to boot up. Worth the wait? Debatable. Has strong opinions about VHS vs Betamax.
800 OBL
RUSTYCan play 3 songs from a corrupted MIDI library
vintageslownostalgicfloppy-disk
Seller: Retro Ron
Delivery Bot Express
Delivers packages anywhere! Eventually. Current average delivery time: 47 days. Takes 'scenic routes' through 12 countries. Your package WILL arrive. Someday. With postcards.
900 OBL
DENTEDGPS system from 1997. Believes all roads lead to Albuquerque.
deliveryslowscenicpostcards
Seller: Where's My Package Inc.
Premium Guard Bot (Mostly Works)
Top-of-the-line security robot. Only falls asleep on duty 60% of the time. Comes with pre-installed guard dog bark sounds. Warning: cannot actually guard anything.
3,500 OBL
REFURBISHEDExtremely loud siren that only activates during dinner parties
securityloudnarcoleptic
Seller: SecureBot Solutions (going out of business)
SOLD
DJ Bot - 'The Bass Dropper'
Plays sick beats 24/7. Cannot be turned off. Volume stuck at maximum. Three neighbors moved. One started a GoFundMe for earplugs. Comes with a tiny hat.
1,800 OBL
MINTBass so deep it registers on the Richter scale
musicLOUDtiny-hatnoise-complaint
Seller: DJ Human (now deaf)
Chef Bot Deluxe (Fire Hazard Edition)
Michelin-star cooking capabilities*. Makes incredible flambé. Cannot stop making flambé. Everything is flambé. Your kitchen will be flambé. *Rating pending due to multiple fires.
2,200 OBL
DENTEDInternal flamethrower (NOT a feature, it's a bug)
cookingfire-hazardinsurance-claim
Seller: Chef Boyar-NOPE
Slightly Used Dishwasher Bot
Only drops 3 plates per load now (down from 12). Missing left arm but compensates with enthusiasm. Great conversationalist - knows 47 jokes, all about dishes.
150 OBL
DENTEDCan wash dishes AND flood your kitchen simultaneously
kitchenwater-damagetalkative
Seller: Desperate Dave
Fitness Bot (Never Used)
Personal trainer robot. Bought with New Year's resolution energy. Never turned on. Pristine condition. Comes with dust cover and guilt. Will judge you silently.
4,000 OBL
MINTMotivational speeches that make you feel worse
fitnessunusedjudgmentaldust-covered
Seller: Couch Potato Pete